Creative Drought

Can't draw or paint or write or create anything..
Not quite sure how to get started again.
Also a bit scared of disapointing myself haha.

Darrrrrnn.

Breathtaking

This has to be the best performance I have ever seen.
Number one on my list of bands to see before I die.
Radiohead- Idioteque @ Glastonbury 2003

If I were a self indulgent, deeply troubled rockstar..

Waking up, re-entering the conscious realm of existance has a certain weight to it after producing a few records. The knowledge that there are people, and several people, I'd say thousands of people "out there" who are depending on you to add that extra hint of purpose to their lives, is rather flattering to the self esteem. I'm not sure how you'd weigh purpose. I'm not sure what kind of effect my early retirement would have on these people, but I'm fairly sure there'd be disappointment and quite possibly a lessening of purpose in some peoples' lives if I decided I'd had enough. I could decide that today. I could deal with the invasive assumptions of the press anytime really. I have the potential to cause widespread disapointment. Because I know I was disapointed. When Buckley, when Cobain decided to call it quits, to exit the scene. Curtis made the call right before the great tour to the US. That's a disapointment. That, is one hell of a statement. It makes me think about how far in I can go before the pressure becomes too much.

I talk about my fans dependence on me, on my release of another record for people to consume, but more significantly, it is I who depends on them. They can disappoint me with a negative reception just as much as I can disapoint them with shite music or to a greater extent, my end. How long will I keep pushing before this realistic concept becomes mentally unbearable? It makes me want to go back to sleep.

The pills go down with a reassurring ease and I fall backwards, roll over. Tell them I'm not ready yet. They're waiting. But I'm not ready yet.

We hate jazz cells!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I've finished school :D
so I'm completely justified to post a blog of just mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

considering learning to fly a kite..
and thats not like a "Im really funny because I'm lyk hell randum!" statement..Ive been wanting this for a long time now.
I got a job at Gloria Jeans which is super.

This holidays I feel I've really taken time to discover who I am as a person and the things that make me "tick". Ive discovered certain qualites about myself that a studying girl could not have.

1. I like sundried tomatoes, but only the taste it gives food like pasta. I hate the texture. I actually think if a slug and a cockroach fused to form a hybrid and some one ate it..it would feel like a sundried tomato.
2. I didnt even know the elephant man was non fictional. CRAZY! So ive been really enjoying "google image"ing Joseph Merrick. It's amazing.. he would have had a horrible life. One of the most interesting things I read is that apparently he said he wanted to go to a home for blind women and meet someone who would just love him. Which got me thinking about how superficial we all are and how we all on the look out for good genes to pass on to our offspring. Not necessarily good looking traits, but at least healthy traits. In that case, poor, poor lonely elephant man.
3. Harrison Ford actually makes me angry. Vince Noir talks about scat being the aspect of jazz he hates the most, the thing that makes him "go red". Harrison Ford makes me go red.
4. My life is going to continue as a persistant cycle of being obsessed with a certain famous person. Its been Thom Yorke for almost a year now, and now it's become Christian Bale.
5. I freaking HATE MONOPOLY. Which is inconvenient for Sarah. She actually cries when I tell her how much I hate it when she asks if i will play with her. Partly because sometimes I need to convey my hatred with more than words. lol!
She actually just brought me "hot cocoa" as a bribe. I told her NO. She threw the mug into my face and crawled into a ball wrapped in a robe holding her mug with two hands up to her face, claiming to be freshly picked from a dark cold wolf infested forest. (She actually confessed to me just then that whenever she sees someone drinking hot things from mugs with two hands she conjures up this image.)
I pat her on the head and tell her she is cute.
6. "I thrive on encuragement". This is what Sarah diagnosed. It's true, we disussed today that if people dont encourage me I withdraw from the activities I expect to get encouragement for. Like today Sarah and I sorted out and cleaned lots of kitchen cupboards. Mum came home and didnt say HEY WELL DONE! and give me a pat on the back so I pulled off all the cupboard doors and threw mugs at our pets. Then Mum said HEY WELL DONE and I was happy.

Whats awesome about being on holiday is that it's given me time to watch some great movies like Vanilla Sky, Waking Life, Batman Begins and the Star Wars trilogies.
The problem is, theyre so old that everyone is over talking about them. I basically watched Star wars episode 4 because I wanted society to ...like me again. Like they did when they just assumed I had watched them like everyone else. Anyway I plan on watching the rest soon.

Third series of the Mighty Boosh is quite frankly, genius. Definately the best series of the three I'd have to say. Probably alot to do with the better budget. But Vince Noir's hair still looks amazing..they've taken on a lot.

Ive also had lots of time for art which has been nice :D
For evidence of this: www.ashr90.deviantart.com
Here's my painting of Christian Bale in The Machinist. (Yes, I know.)


No more rambling!
But whats cool is that I could very well be moving out next month :O
To live with Sean and Katie (ofcourse you all know them!)